...Start all over again. ~ Lyrics from a song by Peter Tosh and Mick Jagger. A song that he-whose-name-will-not-be-typed would tease me with ~ so many years ago. I carry that feeling around now and then ~ that a man without me can just dust himself off and start over again with someone new, like no big deal. Like, ha ha. Like, whatever. But there was always that paradoxical wonder ~ was it literal or was it opposite? Was there no starting over without me? I'm too romantic sometimes. Or too blind. Or naive.
But today this song is for me. I'm starting anew, new dawn, new day, new life. I'm XX years old - still not ready to tell - and I have "recurrent" cervical spasm. So much pain in my neck and across my shoulders. I finally used the coupon I bought last spring for a massage ~ how nice of me last spring to buy one for me and one for him ~ father of the kid ~ and I decided I deserved it. It was very nice and to add $20 I can get another like it within the next month. But the neck and shoulder pain stayed. So I guess I have been "looking down" too much, and now I am going to go to physical therapy for it. The massage lady said the natural spinal curve in my neck is gone, which to me sounded quite bad, but to the MD today, was nothing to worry about. He was quite concerned about my blood pressure which I've been meaning to address, really I have.
So today at the doctor it was 180/100. That's the first 180 I've had. More often it peaks at 170/110. I tried taking some clonidine 0.1 mg tabs, but had to take 3 to get it to budge closer to "normal" range. I tried 10 mg propranolol and felt better, but didn't bring the cuff home to recheck BP. Had some weird dizzy moments last weekend after elevators and escalators - more than a typical passing dizziness.
Why are we so seasoned to think, "What is wrong with me?"
And, "What can I take to fix it?"
The doctor today was actually quite funny ~ he said he had no - then motioned his hand around in the air as if wielding a Happy Potter wand - magic treatment to fix me.
But in a month I will go back for the blood pressure check. And in the meantime, call the number for PT for my neck.
When do I say, "What is right with me?" And, "What do I do that keeps me right?"
Ok, what is right with me.
I'm XX years old and have a wealth of knowledge and experience... I take good - ok - care of myself. I pay all my bills. I work for a living. I contribute to humanity. I give back - the greatest gift I receive is giving back. And that keeps me right. I raised a child - to adulthood with no major psychotic break for either of us. I am smart and loving and can be sweet. I consider myself a channel for the energy of others to pass through in order to get a sense of healing... And it takes enormous energy for me to give that to others 5 days a week. I do it happily - it's not work, it's a calling. And at home I need it to be understood - that I can only give so much. That during a regular work week I need quiet and alone and the options to pursue either, both or none. And that keeps me right. The people I surround myself with outside of my "job" are people who understand me, who give easily as I do, who love to laugh and love to get lost in other worlds for short periods... And that keeps me right.
So in dusting myself off, I find some things still there needing extra polish.
I want to get organized, and I want it NOW. ~ Probably not a good starting point, as it inevitably ends up a failure. Need to set up smaller goals - what to organize first - where, by when...
I want to make this thing with my trunk, and sew pillows with my fabric and do some tiling all by myself, and I want to paint the stairwell this interesting pattern of blues with some metallic silvers... And I want to take an online class - and get further with my education... Computers, health care administration, art, psych, healing arts, dance... I want to find out what place on earth sees the most rainbows a year, and I want to visit there. I want to put crown moulding up in my bedroom... Yes to hide the botch job I did removing the popcorn ceiling - but whatever, it will look cool. And repaint the bedroom or put up some white bead board and railing. I want to be a do-it-yourself-er at all these home improvement things. The attic - well, put together some access ladder thing, then finish the hole that looks duct taped, then lay more insulation, and replace the #%&$%# bathroom air vents - because they are awful. And I want to re-do my backyard / courtyard - to look very French Quarter chic. And I want to write - to start my book. My books. And I want to sell some thins, and get out of debt.
I want to have this feeling of being in charge of my life, my minutes, my destiny, my tomorrow, my today. I want to feel in charge of the moments as they pass. I want to be alive in these moments - not half awake, wondering why they are passing so fast. I want to feel this feeling of being so a part of my moments, that the moments pass as I pass with them, that we are in step, in pace with each other - where time is time and I am I and you are you and life makes sense and life is good.
I want to have this feeling that sadness is part of healing and sadness passes as I take charge of it passing, as I make changes to my life and the changes make sadness pass... and I heal as I heal others...
That my love is noticed, that I am noticed, that I am loved, that my loving is realized - by whom? By someone, by God, by the dogs and the cat, by anyone, and by me.
I want to open my closet to get dressed and feel excited and blessed and grateful, "This is my closet! These are what I get to put on my body - to wear like perfume, like lotion - to caress my skin like soft hands, to catch the wind as it blows..."
And when I think of how my future looks - it's all up and up and up. More money coming in, more love coming in, more beauty surrounding me, more gifts to share, more security, more blessings, more confidence, and with each moment - the journey is the greatest gift I receive.
Now, to pull out the guitar for a few minutes. I need more sheet music too.
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