Adding to my list of favorite things...

Finding my daughter's bathroom clean - sparkling clean and smelling fresh.
My doggies - and being able to sleep with them again.
Telling the little one, "Time for bed," and she runs up the stairs to the bedroom.
Telling the little one in the morning when my alarm goes off, "Good morning," and how excited she gets - I think it's because she remembers that's how she spent the first 4 years of her life, with the following year banned to the kitchen. She knows the word, "Kitchen." Not one of her favorite things.

Also one of my favorite things - these may be former "things" that I didn't realize I would miss so much until I no longer had them - so, a return of a favorite thing that I didn't realize how much I missed - turning on lights in the bedroom in the morning.

Another - not worrying about pissing a certain person off 24 / 7. Constantly stepping on eggshells around him. Losing myself - like I told him before he moved in. There are a couple things I NEED to be ME. And if he said he loved me, he would have to know that there are 2 things I must continue to have / do / be, in order to be the ME the HE loved.

I need my quiet time on the couch and I need my alone time. Whether these occur together or separate doesn't matter as much as it matters that I continue to have the opportunity to experience both daily - even if I chose not to.

You'd think after a year of living with me, with 3 bathrooms in my house, that ONCE in 365 days he could have cleaned a toilet?

No. It dawns on me that he never cleaned the one at his old house either.

So he wrote his pity party on Facebook. Not classy, just trashy.

I didn't write on here as much as I wanted to when this blog started - because I was under constant scrutiny.

"Whatcha doin'?"
"Whatcha writin'?"

And of course - there was never QUIET nor ALONE time to be able to write.

Otherwise I would have written more about what I saw on his Facebook. How he started "checking in" wherever the "band" was playing - and that he was there with the girl singer - who had the same first name as me - just spelled slightly different.

"Angry Man" is with "Loser Band" at "Loser Bar" with "Girl with my name spelled differently by one letter."

Oh and don't forget how he gave me this false hope that he and I would be playing out together. And how he abandoned it and blamed me for abandoning it.

He "loved" me - but did not "get it" that I have been planning to sing live for over 20 years???

I am XX years old now. Too old to try anymore. Too old to bother. Too old.

How is it?

How is it that I seemingly STOPPED my music when he got closer to me - in my house, always around, always calling, always wanting me to come over. Then living here. Sheesh.

One of my not so favorite things - the thousands of dollars of debt I have accumulated. Over $X0,000.00 in credit card debt. Car loan - still owe about $X,000.00. And how for the past year I paid ALL THE BILLS while he lived here. ~ Oh, his "deal" was that he bought "all" the groceries, including a monthly trip to the "bulk buying shopping center" where he would lay down $200.00 on bulk meat and bulk paper products. But I still continued to pay as much or more on groceries monthly too. F-ing a-hole, cheap ass bastard.

And there are things I want to do. To this house. Things to buy.

F-ing sucks.

So to make extra money, I will write. That is who I am. I always knew I would be happiest being paid to be who I am.

Not my favorite thing - to admit my debt or my age.
Part of the reason he had to go.
I am getting older and more in debt.

To see him sit on his ass night after night on that hideous recliner (one of my favorite things is that it is GONE) playing fantasy internet games and "watching" TV for hours upon hours... His ego and insecurities getting in the way.

At least now my debt is my responsibility and I do not have him around to "hope" he would pay some bills or help in some way.

I Know it's Over

...I know it's over
And it really never began...

...If you're so very entertaining then why are you on your own tonight?...

~ The Smiths

I told him I hoped he NEVER had to experience how it feels to love someone who doesn't like your kid. Because he did not like my kid. And it felt awful. He was ugly to her and it killed us. And I did not feel fond of his child anymore. I was so glad when it was summer and he was with his mother.

He is gone now, they are both gone now. I had enough and had to end it.

Back to me.  I'm getting back to me.
Did you know that if you type "Back to Me" into the search bar on metro lyrics site, that there are 2,127 results??? Astounding. http://www.metrolyrics.com/search.php#

I was thinking of a certain line in a John Mayer song... "Back to me, I know that it comes, back to me, doesn't it scare you, your will is not as strong as it used to be..."
I love the David Cook song' "Come Back to Me."
I do not like the Meatloaf song, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now," and I don't like Celine's version either.

Getting back to me was a slide into what I want to do... And then it leveled out and the trip back up the hill looks long.... Not a steep hill either, just a long, slow journey ahead.

I want to journal so badly, but that was the old me, now I'm blogging.

I knew Rumi's poems before I ever read them... I understand...

"You look upset."

"Are you in a bad mood?" the child says to me.

No, I just don't like you, you annoy me, your very presence I can't stand. But I don't say that. I just say no. I dread being alone with him, I dread being in the room with him and his father.