(March 2012) He's back...

So I rushed all evening just to get here and predictably his heat is out, so he's pissed. And he's pissed that the yard guy didn't finish. So here I sit alone wondering why I'm here at all. It sounds like he's building a railroad up there.

Where was my big hug? Where was my sensual kiss? Were my hopes up too high? Did I think it would be so romantic? Wait is he coming? No just the dog.

What am I doing here? I don't get why he acts so pissed off so often.

Can I, would I really want to spend my life listening to him bitch? That railroad building clanging noise? He didn't hear it. It was the valves in the garage trying to get pressure back and failing. He has anger issues.

How Many Times Will it Take for Me to Get it Right?

~ A song from Glee. I learned it on piano and guitar. Foreshadowing is underrated. When I learned that song I also learned another song I heard first on Glee. Why is a show about a high school chorus giving my life a soundtrack? My fave gay actor, Matthew Bomer - who plays Neal Caffrey on "White Collar" - c'mon, he is so cute and sexy and well, ok, a little too sculpted to be straight... Anyway he was on Glee - he sings! - and he and another character did "Somebody that I Used to Know" by Goyte. Ellen turned to me and said, "Mom, I don't know if you're going to want to hear this song." Because 5 days prior, my new "boyfriend" (can he be called that at his age, 51?) and I were breaking up. And I immediately learned the song on guitar and downloaded it and listened to it over and over and played guitar and sang it over and over... Until 5 more days later, after a full ten days of crying over losing him, he asked me over. I was so nervous, but I actually brought my guitar over and sang both songs for him, along with a few others. He had never heard me sing before. He had spent the day pressure washing his deck. While I was singing he fell asleep. More foreshadowing. He apologized and tried to excuse it saying my voice had a such a soothing quality to it. What BS. He's just a tired, old man. We are completely over now. I'm getting smarter in my years. I only wasted 4 months on him, rather than 5 years like the rodent-who-shall-not-be-named. Right off the bat this rich old guy showed me who he was and I tried to ignore what I saw - hoping that he would be the person I met the first night. He wasn't. He was rude, arrogant, angry, bossy, short tempered, insulting, weak, indecisive, and more like a woman that most adult women I know. "I'm a mess, don't look at me." ~ After he showered... "I hate my fat." ~ You can't get thin by hating fat... "I'm going on a diet." ~ With a diet of no fruits, no vegetables, and a freezer full of various desserts. He was a worse sugar addict than me. Yay, something to be proud of. He was particularly difficult to please when we were out for dinner, breakfast, lunch, coffee, drinks... Any time we encountered a service worker basically. NO ONE EVER met his "standards" of perfection, and all of them made him curse. On one of our first dates he tried to hide (not well) how angry he was at the restaurant, the waitress, the food, etc. He complained and cursed, then said something about how he would try to be patient and not "lose it." He told me early on that he's been told a number of times that he comes across as arrogant. So it's no surprise that when we went to the Styx concert and he ignored me - at a time when he could have been the sweet boyfriend I deserve - and then told me he heard me twice - but I guess choose to ignore me anyway, so I - in a low, soft voice, replied, "dick." And he flipped. He was "done" with me. He did that hand waving flippy thing he did whenever he was giving someone the brush off. We barely spoke again. The next morning after I was already home, he texted me, "Thanks for ruining my evening. Sincerely, DICK." And I texted back, "Looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, must be a duck." I thought I was quite humorous. :) I changed my FB status back to single. ~ He never changed his to "in a relationship." Then a "unfriended" him. I had to - I was already obsessing over looking at his profile, who was he talking to, was he happy without me, and as before during our 10 day break up, I felt like every FB posting was a secret message to me. What BS. I'm not always so delusional. Then I blocked him completely on FB. That was one of the smartest things to do, which I learned from blocking the rodent. Now the only checking I can do is... well, if I actually write that, someone might think me a tad... obsessive... Nevermind. My grand finale with our break up though was over my blue Affliction shirt that says Kill Devil Hills on it. I LOVE that shirt. And I left it at his house. I decided to go there Monday morning before work and get it back. He wouldn't answer the door of course. CHICKEN SHIT! So I left him a voice mail (wouldn't answer his phone either - WUSS!) that I planned to return to get my shirt unless he had a preferred way to get it to me. Later he texted me to "not go to his house uninvited." And that my shirt was at my front door. So I replied - in my twisted way to point out what a friggin HYPOCRITE he is, "Don't go to MY house uninvited." So he thought he was "s-m-a-r-t" and replied that he wasn't "AT" my house, rather he "drove by and threw it." ~ Symbolic of how he treated me, felt about me. He threw my love away like it was nothing. He took what I cared about and threw it away like it had zero value. Oh, light bulb, because my love had no monetary value to him, he couldn't love me! Anyway, I texted him back - about throwing my shirt!!! - "Classy." Because he is an ASSHOLE. With no class. Money cannot buy it. He tried to be "CLEVER" and wrote it was "appropriate for town house hell" as I call it. There again - he's too good for me, uh, no wait - he's too RICH for me. Mind you this all occurred AFTER the text he sent me Friday before the Styx concert that I "never offer to do anything!" So fucking sarcastic. So ugly. So demeaning. I honestly thought maybe he was "kidding" me? That he was messing with me. I asked if he was - and he was sarcastic again. So I blew it off. Fuck it. Whatever. Now I was more clear that he a) did not love me, b) did not appreciate me, and c) was not going to change. That spelled it out, a-b-c. Oh, I forgot d) he didn't respect me. Above all else, I deserve respect. His mother would be so ashamed of his behavior. I guess both our moms knew that he and I were not meant to be. I prayed to them both with my whole heart numerous times. Why the fuck was I so invested (another financial term??? hmmm) in this asshole who didn't respect me, didn't love me, and who treated me like a trashy whore. So he owns 7 properties. So he's an attorney. So he went to film school. So he made a board game. So he used to rebuild porsches. So he had a $75,000 home equity line of credit. So he loved animals. So he liked Wayne Dyer. So he was a good kisser. But after a couple of good evenings kissing, the kissing led to less kissing and more not kissing. And he held my hand funny. He didn't interlace our fingers. He didn't want to hear me talk about my clients. And when I talked about my work, he felt I was complaining and had an attitude with me about "making changes." I was never so empty as when I was with him. He was interested in me at first, but then I think he was interested in what I "offered" him ~ another fucking financial reference? I'm just me. Fabulous and wonderful, quiet and reclusive, late for everything. How many times will it take for me to get it right in a relationship? Whatever. I gotta get right with myself first. I have $7 in my bank account and I get paid in 5 days. Challenge! When will I meet the man who gets it that I AM Frederick the Mouse? What I bring to the table is SUNLIGHT, WARMTH, POETRY, ART and MUSIC. These things are taken for granted until it's cold and lonely. And on busy days it looks like I am not doing anything - that I have "nothing to offer." But I am collecting. And "winter is coming."